Buy Nothing New Month... right?

So this month I pledged to buy nothing new... for more information on what this is about, go here :)
http://www.buynothingnew.com.au/

Anyways, not even 2 weeks into the month and I blew it!

I blame Kmart.

It's their fault, not mine. THEY are the one who put the clearance rack in the store so as soon as you walk in... BAM!...

You know who else I blame... Chase. For growing so darn quick!

So can I defend myself by saying I actually spent a whole day op shopping last week looking for pants for my little sprout? And that I found nothing under $8 a pair... for second hand clothes...

So what did I buy...

3 pairs of size 8 black school pants, 1 pair of black school shorts, a 3 pack of blue school tops and a pair of PJ's for each of the boys... total cost... $30. Bargain? Hell yes! $3 each, no complaints here.

So I apologise for not sticking to my pledge. I feel a little guilty. But at the end of the day, he needed them and if I waited a month I would have spent over $100 on the same things.

You know what I did do though, I recycled some shoes! Ashton had a hole in the toe of his sneakers and I searched the shed and found a pair of Jaidan's old shoes from a year or so ago. Like new and fit perfectly :) So I have done something good this month :)

Well here are a couple of photos. None of Ashton because he wiped all my photos off the HDD when he knocked it off the couch lol

Jaidan looking too cool for school at Greens Beach

Elijah enjoying a ride in his new Beetlebums carrier.

My little big sprout, Chase, at Greens Beach.

Terrible 3's

So we've made it through the 2's! I tell you what, the 3's are MUCH worse... I suspect my following posts will have a lot to do with how terrible my 3 year old is, and how wonderful my 16 month old is.

In fact, this quote sums it all up...

"Maximum Cuteness officially starts at 16 months and lasts until they are 3 and become assholes." - Parenting. Illustrated with crappy pictures.

So this was me this morning...

La la la now you're just somebody that I used to know la la la - Dressing Elijah...

Chase comes in holding up a tub of yogo. The LAST tub of yogo. Why does that matter? I hear you wondering... well Ashton already ate 9 of the other 11 tubs yesterday.

Yesterday I yelled, because the week before he ate 10 of the tubs of yogo, and the week before that, 5 in one go. The week befo.... get my drift?

So today I'll try a different tactic. I take the yogo and sit on the floor. Take the spoon and eat a spoonful with all the sound effects... mmmm, yummmm, deliiiiicious!

Ashton starts to cry.

"Chase, Elijah, Jaidan, come here please!" I yell.

6 feet come thumping into the kitchen, they all stare at Ash then back to me.

I hold up the yogo. "Who wants some?" I ask. This is followed by a chorus of ME ME ME with Eli saying "more!". Ashton comes over. I tell him no, he's not allowed any more because he ate all the custard yesterday and didn't share with the other boys.

So here I am, handing out spoonfuls of chocolate custard to 3 small children while 1 stands there staring at me.

I wonder if he'll stop now?

He's 3, and he's turned into an asshole... I hate the Terrible 3's!

I love Ashton, really I do :)

It's Been A While

Exciting news...

Eli cut 4 more teeth, turned 1, and started taking steps.

Chase lost his first tooth, then his second one a couple of weeks later.

Jaidan has his first wobbly tooth!!

Photos, because I haven't had time to blog, so I will let them tell the story :)

The Internal Battle

Picture this. A woman, could be you, me, a sister, a friend, a stranger, your mother or daughter, it doesn't really matter who it is, because it's a lot of people. She's sitting isolated. For the point of this story, we'll say at a beach. It's a cold, windy, gloomy day. The sky is grey, her hair is blowing around her face as she looks to the sky and notices the black clouds rolling in. The wind is howling. She's in shorts and a tee. Around her is a sandcastle, it completely surrounds her and shades her from the harsh wind. She's smiling at her castle, proud of what she's accomplished in what appears to be horrible conditions. A castle, her own little castle. This makes her happy, everything else about this picture is sad, dark, gloomy, devastating... this castle is the only thing keeping this lady happy and protected.

The rain begins to fall, and her sandcastle begins to wash away. She's desperately trying to shovel the sand back, build up her lovely castle, her protective wall that had previously surrounded her. With the rain beating down on her, and the wind blowing from all directions, the castle just keeps on falling away. Her smile fades as this becomes a hopeless task. One that she's clearly lost. Her castle is gone, her happiness has faded. Tears roll down her face...

That lady, was me. For the last 10 months, I have been struggling. Struggling to hold it all together, much like holding the sandcastle walls up, and for 10 months I did well. I think I did well. The internal turmoil was manageable on a good day, on a bad day I would question everything I was doing, everything I wasn't doing, everything I should be doing. On a bad day I would be on constant edge. Wondering if something horrible would happen in the blink of an eye. On a bad day I would wonder what was next, what would this fucked up life throw at me? Would I manage, would the kids manage, would we survive this. What would 'this' be exactly? Who knows. One thing I do know is that on a good day, nothing I worried about on a bad day made a lot of sense.

By 8 months, walls were washing away slowly, and it became harder to smile, to laugh, and to enjoy. By 8 months I would have burst of anger, of upset, of regret. It all started to unravel before my eyes and I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling this way.

At 9 months, I was struggling a lot. Everything was a massive task (still is most days). Everything from getting up in the morning, to housework, cooking, even things I used to enjoy like playing with the kids was an effort. I slowly began to withdraw myself from activities... a playgroup here, a playdate there. Slowly until now.

10 months. I don't do much out of the home. My list of housework is a mile long, even longer is my list of 'things to do with the kids' which I haven't ticked anything off in a while. I love my boys, I know I do, but loving them has become an effort. It takes up energy, it drains me. Drains me emotionally as well as physically. One day I snap, I smack my child, not once but 3 times. Did he deserve it? No. No child deserves to be hit out of anger. I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't angry. I overstepped the line of control... I lost it. That day I also broke my child. I broke his heart and his trust. When I dropped him at school, I couldn't even walk him in, I was a mess. When I kissed him goodbye he looked so sad and I asked "What is wrong?" and he just cried. This broke me. Tears were wiped, apologies were exchanged, and I drove my stupid sorry ass to the doctor for an emergency appointment.

That 35 minutes was the longest wait of my life. While I sat there, fighting back tears (wiping a few strays) I messaged my support group, the ladies who I can confide in no matter what. I told them what I had done, I told them how desperate I felt at that moment. I believe my comment was "I need serious help... or someone to take my kids away" ... at that moment my life, my beautiful life full of love, support, laughter and 4 beautiful boys, seemed completely helpless. At that moment, my boys were better off with anyone but me.

That doctor diagnosed me with Post Natal Depression. My brain is sick.

In a weird way, it was a relief, there I was bawling my eyes out (I think I used half her box of tissues) but feeling relief. I might not be 'normal' but I had a reason! I suddenly didn't feel stupid. Even though I didn't feel stupid I still sat there blubbering "it's so stupid, I cope fine, it's just stupid, I don't get it" ... Her support that day stowed me there was hope. Even if it was just a little glimmer. Suddenly it wasn't so horrible and hopeless. I think the biggest thing for me was that it was OK not to cope, it was ok to not be wonder woman, to not manage. Once I had told someone how I was feeling, I felt a little better. I feel this way today, just a little better because no, I am not coping but that's ok. I don't HAVE to cope all the time.

Through this whole struggle, I've pushed people away, I've over reacted about a lot of things. My true friends have stuck by me, I've made some wonderful new ones. They are the ones who matter.

If there is one thing anyone can take from this it's this. Next time you ask someone how they are doing, pay attention, be interested in how they really are, offer help but don't just say "If you need anything, let me know", say "how about I come over on ____ and help with ____". Offer a service, not a statement. Coming from someone who finds it difficult to ask for help, it was the people who said "I will grab the kids from school for you tonight" and "I will pick the kids up in the morning for you" and "I am going to the shop, can I get something for you" that really helped. It was these small gestures that really helped me get through the first 10 months of this struggle, and for that I am truly grateful. And if you are me, it's ok. The day I admitted I wasn't ok was hard, I was ashamed. Scared. Felt stupid. Felt ungrateful for what I have. I felt like I was wasting the doctors time. But there is help. I am almost 2 weeks into that 'help' and there are people who care. I am now on medication and seeing the doctor, my MCHN, a counsellor and also a centre aimed at helping people get past this bump (hole) in the road.

Happy Birthday Chase!

Today we celebrated my middle boy, Chase, turning 6! He actually turns 6 tomorrow but I wanted him to celebrate it with his daddy too so we had it a day early :)

He got lots of wonderful presents, and had some of his delicious cake which his daddy made him the night before.

Tonight we are having his favourite dinner, home made chicken nuggets and chips :) If you haven't made chicken nuggets before you have to try it. Slice the chicken breast or tenderloins into nugget size pieces, dip in egg, and coat in a mix of breadcrumbs/lemon zest/parsley flakes and put in a hot pan with a teeny bit of oil. I salt and pepper while it's in the pan as I'm not a fan of adding salt into the breadcrumb mix. The kids love these nuggets and they are much healthier and slightly cheaper. I make enough for the 5 of us for about $10, and they are almost 100% chicken, not 50% like the shop bought ones.

On a funnier note, we were standing in the isle at Coles and Jaidan piped up "I feel sick mum, I think I have gastro"... suddenly the isle was empty. Kids say the funniest things.

*And nope, no gastro. It's called eating too much junk food*

I Love This Boy

His favourite food is sushi from Bento

He can now pull up and walk around things

He only has 2 little teethies, which he shows off with his gorgeous smile

He's very content, always up for a cuddle and a smile/giggle

10 months old tomorrow. Amazing how fast time flies.

My Imaginary Friends

The internet plays a large part in my life. I've been online now for a while, however it's really only played such a big part in the last 4 years. People find the internet a sad and scary place, but the reality for me is that a good chunk, probably around 70%, of my friends... are online. AKA Imaginary friends (thanks Cuntifer for that saying).

Yup, that's right, Mel, the mad woman with imaginary friends! There are lots of reasons why I like my imaginary friends. I'm not a phone person, I hate talking on the phone. With imaginary friends it's not necessary. I'm shy around new people, online I can be the outgoing person I am most of the time without the stuttering, and awkward silences. I don't know about you, but I tend to be more open when I am typing away to someone, as opposed to sitting down with them. When it comes to personal, upsetting stuff, it's easier to type it away while you use a box of tissues up. Not so easy to sit down with a coffee and blurt out your life problems, end up in tears which is often embarrassing. Also, you don't need to organise visits around naps, and illness, and kids crazy days! I like that even when Eli was up all night screaming, or Ashton spent the last 2 days with his head in a bucket, that I can sit down with a hot chocolate and log on to have a nice chat with my imaginary friends. Even at 3am, there is always someone on the other side of the screen, from all corners of the world.

But the absolute most important reason I love my imaginary friends, is that they are just awesome! They are all sorts of people, from all backgrounds. They raise their families in all different ways. They have had many different life experiences, and lots of great advice to go with those experiences. They are supportive, and loving. They are always there to offer a cyber hug, no matter how stupid the reason for being upset. They don't judge, even when they don't agree. They are beautiful, inside and out, and they all absolutely rock my world! From the words that hit home, to the stories that make me cry. From the surprise packages, to the presents that really touched me. From the virtual hugs, to the virtual slaps. I admire, cherish and love each and every one of you.

My imaginary friends have got me through a lot of downs, and bounced in their computer chairs with me through the ups. When I've had problems and questions that I haven't been comfortable asking someone in person, there was always someone to listen on the other side of the keyboard. I large chunk of my imaginary friends have become not so much imaginary, I have been lucky to meet a lot of them in the last few years.

So to all my wonderful imaginary friends, I love you. But you already knew that!

Pay It Forward

When I saw a post on Piper + Lily's blog about Pay It Forward, I decided to dive in to see if could make it in & I did!

So what I have to do is this:

• I promise something handmade to the first five people to comment on this post. To be eligible, those five people must make the same pledge & post it on their blog & so on & so forth. The rules are that it must be handmade by you & it must be sent at some point during 2011.

So, who is going to join me?

*Australia only please*

Water, All Natural Snacks, and Sling Rides

Today was great fun! I took the boys to the beach for the afternoon.

Eli thought the rocks were the best part of our beach trip. He snacked on this one for about 20 minutes.

The kids ended up shoeless as they were soaked, but full of giggles and smiles from having so much fun.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Review of the Adjustable Peanut Shell

This week I was lucky enough to get chosen, by Babes In Arms, to use and review the Adjustable Peanut Shell shoulder sling. This was actually my first try of a shoulder sling (if you don't count the 10 minutes of my sisters Infantino).

The things I love about this sling are the padded shoulder, and the little pocket on the front, perfect size for my phone! It's also very small so can roll up in a handbag easily.

Slipping it on and off is a cinch, and adjusting it is super easy. I am a larger sized lady and it fit me perfectly. I had no difficulty at all following the instructions, so for a new baby wearer, this sling would be great! I love the extra safety strap on the inside, for peace of mind. It's also very soft and snug and Eli really enjoyed it!

I hip carried him as he is almost 10 months old and didn't approve of my attempt to Kangaroo Carry. I wish I'd had something like this when he was a newborn for trips to the shop, or school to pick up the other kids. For the price you'd get your money's worth.

It does come in an array of colours and patterns, I chose black because it doesn't stain and goes with everything. I'm boring like that!

You can check them out here.

The Trip To Get My Car

This week has been kind of a nightmare. I'd spent the last 2 months saving up to go pick up my car. It was in Sorell in Hobart, and needed a new battery, new rear brake pads, and a tank of petrol.

I had booked a hire car to be picked up last Sunday, so I could get to Sorell on Monday (45 minutes from where I am). Get the taxi to the hire car place with both babies and 2 car seats, they wont accept my mastercard because it's a debit card not a credit card. The lady hadn't told me that. So we cabbed back home, $40 wasted and no way to get to the car in Sorell.

I ring around, my aunty lends us her car, so I go down the road to Eastlands shopping centre, buy a battery that the guy says is the right one for the car (according to his book). I stood there saying "It looks too big, are you sure" but he was adamant it was the correct size. Off we go to pick up the car.

Get there, car has been broken into, door lock is hanging out, glove box broken, wires hanging out. I'm annoyed but will deal with it later.

Go to put the battery in, wrong battery and doesn't fit. There are some men across the road working on a house, so I borrow jumper leads from them but still can't start it. Call the mechanic and he comes out (call out fee) and starts the car with his truck battery. Yay!

So I take the car to the mechanic, say to put a new battery in and I'll take the other one back. I get back to Eastlands to take the battery back, and he calls. The pads I bought were the wrong ones. I was scared that would happen. So add another $120 and I now have a set of the wrong pads which I can hopefully return when I get home. He says the car will be ready at 5 now because he needs to get the pads from town so I took the battery back without a hassle

thankfully.

Get there at 5 and the car wont start! The mechanic is stumped because he drove it out of the shop and it worked fine, now it wont start. He works on it for an hour before it goes, then gives me the wonderful news... my starter motor is on the way out. Gives me the option to leave it there or take my chances in getting it home. I drive it to mums.

The car works fine the next 10 times I start it. Tuesday I decided to take Eli out and go op shopping while Ash slept and mum babysat. Get to the second stop and it wont start again. Get the cab home.

My nan drives from Blackman's Bay to take us back out to it and see if we can start it after it's been sitting there for a couple of hours. Goes first try. No more chances, I drive it straight to the mechanic to be fixed. That was 2 days ago. It's still there, they still haven't called me back. I have a terrible feeling I will be bussing home instead of driving :(

Add to that both kids have gastro now.

Bad luck? I think so!

Peanut Sling and Ergo Baby Carriers

So today I am really excited! Last night I got an email from Babes In Arms saying I had been chosen to review the Adjustable Peanut Sling baby carrier! I am very excited, as I have wanted to try a shoulder sling for a long time now! I've tried wraps, SSC, Mei Tais, a POD, and my favourite Hammock Conversion, but not a shoulder sling! Eagerly waiting it's arrival!

I also have entered a draw to win a ERGObaby carrier. These are pretty awesome, just throw them on and off you go, birth to toddlerhood, city to bush. I loved mine (so much so that it turned from black to a grey colour) and used it for 2 years, carrying my Ashy from birth until he was a hefty 17kg toddler. I hope I win! Check it out over at The Bragging Mommy :)

Feel The Love

Today when I picked Jaidan up from school, I said "Guess what Jaidan?". "What mum?" he replied. "I love you the most", I told him. "Mum stop saying that, I don't like it" he declared. "Why not?" I asked. "You give me a headache" he sighed.

Little brat. LOL

On another note, we had a very long and exhausting day today. Headed to a gathering for International Women's Day. It was lots of fun, Ash got to ride a pony and was surprisingly confident! We spent a lot of time there, having a stab in the dark I would say almost half the time we were there today was spent at the ponies.

I am feeling really cranky today. Lack of sleep I think, but I woke up tired and grumpy and haven't been able to kick it. The kids have been good but everything is annoying me so I've parked them in front of the TV for now.

I am so close to having my car I can taste it. Feels like one step forward, 2 steps back at the moment. I almost had the money to go pick it up, which is hard for me as I am usually very close to incoming amount with bills and things, and then the power bill came in didn't it. So back to square one basically and a 2 week wait is turning out to be a 2 month one I think.

Yes, today is a whingy whiny post. I'm allowed to have them occasionally aren't I?

To Cuddle Or Not To Cuddle?

As mothers we worry about our parenting.

We worry about making 'a rod' for our own back.

We stress too much over little things...

Ashton was my easy baby. Why? Because I was relaxed. I went with the flow. I followed my instincts and not a baby book, or advice from well meaning people. Eli is just as easy, he's a happy and content baby. This is not because of his genes, or because he fit in with our lifestyle. This is because he had been nurtured, day and night. His needs have been met, when they arise, not in my own time.

One thing that comes up a lot is self settling. We stress about our babies not going to sleep on their own. Needing to be cuddled, fed, patted, rocked, stroked... to get to sleep. As I type this, Eli is snoring on my knee after having a quick feed and snuggling into me as he drifted off to sleep.

Something I have learnt in my 7 years of being a parent, is that sometimes they need it. Sometimes it's easier to give them a cuddle for 5 minutes until they fall asleep. Sometimes it's easier to feed them for 10 minutes if that's what they need for comfort. It's easier on us, and easier on them. Our children are people, with needs. Emotional as well as physical. Yes their bottoms might be clean, their tummies full, they might be snug and warm, or nice and cool. One thing you can't tell my sight, is what is going on inside their heads. When you put a baby down to 'self settle' and they cry, they are telling you something.

It breaks my heart that people leave their babies to cry. I did it. I left my oldest son to cry it out in his cot. Telling myself I was doing the best thing I could. Eventually he would stop crying and go to sleep. I did it with my next boy too, not as bad but I still did it occasionally. Eventually he learnt to self settle with his dummy. Ashton and Eli, I didn't. Eli is never left to cry. I pick him up, give him cuddles, comfort him in any way he needs.

I often wonder if people who leave their babies to cry actually think about it from the babies point of view. How would you like to be locked in a cage, in the dark, lonely and scared? You cry out for someone to come and bring some warmth and sooth you, and you are ignored. You're craving to be held, touched, cuddled... but there is no one to listen. So you stop crying. What is the point? No one comes when you call. So you drift off to sleep, not thinking happy thoughts, not feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Instead you feel sad, lonely, hopeless. You've given up. That night you don't have nice dreams, you have horrible ones and when you wake and it's still dark and lonely you whimper and go back to sleep praying that the next time you wake it will be morning, because that light brings comfort. The comfort that you so desperately crave as a baby.

Sometimes it is a pain, sometimes I just DO want to get that washing folded, or those dishes washed. Sometimes I just want to sit down and relax. Then I remember, this too shall pass. A day in the not too distant future he isn't going to need my comfort as much. He wont want to have special cuddles in the night. He wont need to hear my heart beating as he lays his head on my chest.

So tonight when he cried and I picked him up, and he rubbed his head into my shoulder like he does when he's tired, I smiled. I sat down, and cuddled him, stroked his nose, stroked his eyebrows. Whispered that I loved him. Breathed in his scent and rested my head on his head.

\

Today he wants my cuddles. Needs my comfort. I am going to enjoy it. It doesn't last forever. Ashton can verify that. At 12 months he was going down to sleep in his cot and sleeping through the night, without any crying. Now at 2.5 he sleeps 12 hours at night, and a 2 hour nap during the day. He is my best sleeper.

The day we put down the baby book, and tune in to our hearts, is the day that parenting goes from stressful to easy.

*this blog is a rewrite of one I wrote last year*

Music, Play Dates and Good Food

We've had a very busy couple of days! All the usual kids activities have all started again and it's taking it's toll getting used to it all again!

Yesterday was my birthday. I was woken to "happy birthday mummy! IT is YOUR birthday today mummy!!". I was greeted with a lot of facebook wall messages wishing me a wonderful day which brought a smile to my face. Then off we went to Kinda Gym which was great fun as always and home again. Chase made me a gorgeous puzzle at school, he drew me "holding some balloons for your birthday". How cute is that? When I asked Jaidan what he'd made me at school for my birthday, he replied with "nothing but if you give me some money I will buy you something at the shop?". How thoughtful LOL

I really did have a wonderful day. I got lots of hugs and kisses, and I got to spend it with my boys which is really all that matters! I also got some lovely presents from my sisters, brother and mum, and a surprise from a lovely friend in Melbourne. Thanks Sarah!!

A friend of mine, Nat, shared a link with me today. I will share it with you. This girl is 10. Her voice and songs are just amazing. I absolutely love this song and also one called 'Unexpected'

My lovely friend, Tammy, knitted this beautiful set for Eli when he was a very new bubba. It was so massive on him. Today I pulled it out of the cupboard to try again. It fits! And I think he looks adorable in it!

I also have to give a shout out to a wonderful company called Machiko Baby. I bought some things for the boys and they look adorable on! I am sure you will agree!!

Eli is 9 months old today. All I have to say is that time really does fly!! He's really getting around now doing the cutest army crawl, he looks like a little caterpillar. He's so beautiful and so much fun! He's got a wicked sense of humour, loves playing peek a boo. He can say a few words now, and does the cutest things with his brothers. He roars like a lion with Jaidan, and says "uhhh uhhh" when he's touching something naughty LOL His little face lights up at school pick up when he sees Chase, and Ashton dotes on him which is just adorable. He can clap and wave, and has started pulling up to a half stand. He really enjoys his food and the BLS is going wonderfully! He can eat basically anything! His 2 favourite foods so far are sushi and Teriyaki beef. This child has awesome taste!

The longest noodle in history

What happens when you're 2, and decide not to nap...

I better get some rest myself, playgroup starts again tomorrow at the primary school so we're off to that. The Ashy has a playdate with his gorgeous little mate Kobi. I have a feeling these 2 2 year olds will grow up close :) They are in a lot of the same groups and we've started having play dates.

Really need to get my house in order over the weekend. I feel like I'm living in a cluttered house that only gets tidied properly on inspection day. Time to break out the boxes and garbage bags and put away some of this stuff. Since I'll be here for the next 12 months, my thinking needs to change. Go from "I'll have somewhere to put these in a few weeks" to "better buy some more shelves and pack away some of the stuff I don't need" ... the joys! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

Oh and feel free to go and vote for Elijah, in the Bonds Baby Competition :)