To Cuddle Or Not To Cuddle?

As mothers we worry about our parenting.

We worry about making 'a rod' for our own back.

We stress too much over little things...

Ashton was my easy baby. Why? Because I was relaxed. I went with the flow. I followed my instincts and not a baby book, or advice from well meaning people. Eli is just as easy, he's a happy and content baby. This is not because of his genes, or because he fit in with our lifestyle. This is because he had been nurtured, day and night. His needs have been met, when they arise, not in my own time.

One thing that comes up a lot is self settling. We stress about our babies not going to sleep on their own. Needing to be cuddled, fed, patted, rocked, stroked... to get to sleep. As I type this, Eli is snoring on my knee after having a quick feed and snuggling into me as he drifted off to sleep.

Something I have learnt in my 7 years of being a parent, is that sometimes they need it. Sometimes it's easier to give them a cuddle for 5 minutes until they fall asleep. Sometimes it's easier to feed them for 10 minutes if that's what they need for comfort. It's easier on us, and easier on them. Our children are people, with needs. Emotional as well as physical. Yes their bottoms might be clean, their tummies full, they might be snug and warm, or nice and cool. One thing you can't tell my sight, is what is going on inside their heads. When you put a baby down to 'self settle' and they cry, they are telling you something.

It breaks my heart that people leave their babies to cry. I did it. I left my oldest son to cry it out in his cot. Telling myself I was doing the best thing I could. Eventually he would stop crying and go to sleep. I did it with my next boy too, not as bad but I still did it occasionally. Eventually he learnt to self settle with his dummy. Ashton and Eli, I didn't. Eli is never left to cry. I pick him up, give him cuddles, comfort him in any way he needs.

I often wonder if people who leave their babies to cry actually think about it from the babies point of view. How would you like to be locked in a cage, in the dark, lonely and scared? You cry out for someone to come and bring some warmth and sooth you, and you are ignored. You're craving to be held, touched, cuddled... but there is no one to listen. So you stop crying. What is the point? No one comes when you call. So you drift off to sleep, not thinking happy thoughts, not feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Instead you feel sad, lonely, hopeless. You've given up. That night you don't have nice dreams, you have horrible ones and when you wake and it's still dark and lonely you whimper and go back to sleep praying that the next time you wake it will be morning, because that light brings comfort. The comfort that you so desperately crave as a baby.

Sometimes it is a pain, sometimes I just DO want to get that washing folded, or those dishes washed. Sometimes I just want to sit down and relax. Then I remember, this too shall pass. A day in the not too distant future he isn't going to need my comfort as much. He wont want to have special cuddles in the night. He wont need to hear my heart beating as he lays his head on my chest.

So tonight when he cried and I picked him up, and he rubbed his head into my shoulder like he does when he's tired, I smiled. I sat down, and cuddled him, stroked his nose, stroked his eyebrows. Whispered that I loved him. Breathed in his scent and rested my head on his head.

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Today he wants my cuddles. Needs my comfort. I am going to enjoy it. It doesn't last forever. Ashton can verify that. At 12 months he was going down to sleep in his cot and sleeping through the night, without any crying. Now at 2.5 he sleeps 12 hours at night, and a 2 hour nap during the day. He is my best sleeper.

The day we put down the baby book, and tune in to our hearts, is the day that parenting goes from stressful to easy.

*this blog is a rewrite of one I wrote last year*